Back to Reality

Last night while I was staying up late due to my recent sleep cycle shift where I stay up ‘til 5 and sleep ‘til 1, I went through all 1,282 pictures of myself on facebook. By the time I reached the mid 800’s I was in late high school. I almost didn’t recognize myself... I looked happy. Now don’t get me wrong, I hated the institutionalization of duPont Manual Magnet High School more than anyone I know, but in these pictures I had a spirit and enthusiasm that I haven’t seen in myself in a long, long time. The scariest part is that I didn’t even know I had lost this part of me until I saw these pictures. I thought I knew myself, but I haven’t seen the real me in almost two years.

I have grown up a whole lot since high school and I am grateful for what college has done for me. I have made some very necessary changes and seen a good bit of how the world works. But I had completely lost myself until I saw these pictures. Since moving to Memphis to go to school, my state has been declining so slowly and steadily that i didn’t even notice. A was a lobster in a warm bath. My life had become nothing but worry. All I did was stress out about what’s going to happen, where I’m going to go to school, how I’m going to make money. I was aware that I was doing this and that it needed to stop, but I had no idea I was so far gone. Like I said, I didn’t recognize myself when I saw the carefree girl in high school.

After I lusted over these pictures, fantasized about being myself once again, I decided that I am never going to do this to myself again. I am so glad I am moving back home. I am SO GLAD I am no longer attending MCA. I feel like memphis is a slow and creeping black hole that would kill me before I noticed I was dying. I stayed inside all summer because it was too hot to do anything else. I fell into a depression that was much deeper than I had known. 

I have no idea where i’m headed next, but I have to get Caroline back. I am no longer trying to think about what is going to happen in the future. I am just going to make one good decision at a time and I have faith that I will take myself where I need and want to be. I miss the girl from high school. I am never going to let my own worry and stress debilitate me that way again. I won’t let anything close to that happen ever again.

I cannot wait to be home, I have 4 days until my parents come down to help me pack up my things. I am going to use my time at home to finally start making things again. I have so many ideas and I feel like holding them all in attributed to my previous state. I am going to apply to schools and use that process to find out what degree I should pursue. I am so excited. Soon I will be healthy, happy, and creative again. Soon I will be home.